Harry Potter and the Something Something Something
by Super Shayde
Summary: A parody of book six! Just too tempting, sorry [COMPLETED - 13 chapters]
1. The Letter

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

Summary: A parody of book six. I know it's not too original, but it was just too tempting!

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, besides the Mary-Sue versions of me and my friends, the crazy professor, and I don't even own this idea! Or the clichés! I don't even own this computer! It's my brother's!

**Chapter One:** Harry Gets A Letter

_In which Harry gets a letter. Oooh. Aaah._

Harry Potter woke up late one morning at the Dursleys' to a tapping at the window. Groaning, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and mumbled irritably, "Just a minute!"

As his godfather had supposedly just died and he was staying at his dreaded relatives' home, he was not particularly happy. But that was soon to change, of course. Clichés are always like that.

He stumbled out of bed and opened the window, then realizing it was silly little Pig, he retrieved some owl treats to calm the frantic owl. After taking the burden off of the owl's leg, he gave Hedwig a few treats as well.

He ripped open the letter without much enthusiasm. Probably an awkward 'sorry' from Ron and Hermione or some stupid letter from Dumbledore.

Apparently, he realized, as he opened the letter, it was not either. For one thing, it was from Sirius.

It read:

Hi, Harry!

Yes, I'm alive! I was actually hiding behind that veil to scare you all! Sorry, old...prank...memories coming back to me...Yeah, sorry to scare you like that! You did seem a little upset, after all! Remus too! And I look much younger now! And Snape's left the Order! But not the school, since he needs to harass the Mary-Sues so they'll start crying and you'll feel bad for them and fall in love and stuff like that. Oh, and I'm the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher! And Minister of Magic! And the Half-Blood Prince is actually a princess, and Voldemort's daughter! And everybody's perfect! And I'm obsessing over exclamation points!

Sirius!

P.S. Firenze died, so there's a new Divination teacher! To give me a new romantic life! And who knows, Lily and James might come back to life! Isn't it great?! Oh, no! I used a question mark! I must go wash my hands! Bye Harry!

After a teeny jolt of shock, Harry grinned. After all, perfect heroes don't get shocked! Or upset! They are always brave! Remember that, people! But girls are vulnerable and cry all the time! Remember this, people! (Cough...ahem. I'll stop with the exclamation points now, I promise.)

So, Harry replied with a long, sappy letter and sent Pig off. Life was boring! Life was clichéd! Life was _good_.

THE END...of Chapter One


	2. The Mary Sue

Chapter Two: The Mary-Sue

In which Harry loses his focus! Nooo.

Approximately twenty seconds later...

The Advance Guard came knocking at the cupboard door! Of course, all the annoying minor characters quit because no one cared about them anyway.

"Hi, Harry!" Sirius said enthusiastically, grinning. A "mysteriously partially covered woman" was hidden behind Tonks, Professor Lupin, and Sirius.

"Wotcher, Harry!" Tonks greeted Harry(Tonks is just too cool to go Mary-Sue!). Her dark eyes glittered merrily.

"Hello, Harry," Lupin said pleasantly.

"Hi, Harry Potter!" the obviously Mary Sue woman burst out from behind everyone else. She had curly/straight/wavy blond/black/red/brown hair that fell to her shoulders/waist and a creamy, pale/tan/chocolate brown complexion. Her eyes didn't linger on his scar, and she smiled pleasantly at Harry. "I've heard a lot about you." She winked at Harry.

Harry blinked. Huh? Oh, right. Don't be confused. Be really charming and stuff. Remember, there's a new author now! Focus! Focus!

"Hi," Harry said, staring at the woman.

"Hello!" she repeated, "My name is Mary-Sue Mathers." She grinned again. Harry noticed she wore tight-fitting, bright/gothic/punk rock clothing that brought out her curvy figure.

"Mary was very excited to meet you," Sirius said enthusiastically.

"Mary-Sue, Sirius," Mary-Sue corrected, with a musical laugh. "I'm also an Animagus, a Seer, a Vampiress, a Werewolf, a Mermaid, an Elf, a Veela, and I own a phoenix." She added modestly.

Harry blinked.


	3. The Sorting

Harry Potter And The Something Something Something

Chapter Three: The Sorting

In which Mary Sues seem to spring right out of nowhere! Gasp.

Because no one cares about the boring train ride and no one can take any more Mary-Sue Mathers for a bit, we're to...the Sorting! (Dun dun dun!)

There were no first years this year due to no one caring about them, either. There were only four people to be sorted, all female and approximately fifteen or sixteen years old. They all seemed to be siblings.

(To the unnecessary dance sequence! Whoot!)

The Mary Sues turned around to face the Gryffindor table abruptly.

"I'm Misty!" the first girl called, grinning, spreading out her arms.

"I'm Mandy!" the second girl called, doing the same.

"I'm Kristy!"

"I'm Erica!" (Who seemed very out of place without a name ending in 'y'.)

(Oh yeah. Another thing. No more British accents for anybody, sorry. America's SO MUCH COOLER. (I'm kidding. This is a fic, after all. Sorry for my stupid attempts at humor.))

They all twirled around and then raised their arms in the air.

Everyone cheered.

All of them became Gryffindors.

"Hi, Harry," they giggled feebly, all sitting down next to him.

Hermione scowled. Ron stared. Harry strained himself to smile politely.

"Hi," he said lamely.

A/N: Misty – my friend Misty(Manisha), Mandy – me, Kristy – my friend Kristen, Erica – my friend Erica(there was nothing good to shorten it, and its funny anyways). XP


	4. The New Teachers and The Three Second Ma...

Harry Potter And The Something Something Something!

Disclaimer: Sorry this chapter took soooo long!

Summary: Hello.

Chapter Four: New Teachers And Three-Second Makeovers

In which everyone is really accepting and all that jazz

Dumbledore clapped his hands for attention.

Everyone's eyes swiveled over automatically.

"Okay, I'll keep this short," Dumbledore started lazily, "Because everyone thinks my speeches are really boring. I'd like to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Sirius Black."

Sirius rose and winked roguishly.

All the Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Gryffindor girls besides Hermione and the Mary Sues fainted. The Mary Sues didn't because they had special powers. Hermione didn't because she was busy arguing with Ron, unaware of her soon-to-come three-second makeover into a Mary Sue clone. The Ravenclaws didn't because they all had their noses stuck in books, but were listening closely at the same time.

"You may have heard of Sirius before, because he supposedly murdered people and stuff, and because he's the new Minister of Magic because Fudge is a moron. But because all of you are so accepting – see Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Section Parseltongue in addition to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Section Two Hogwarts Champions – I'm sure you will all be glad to have him here."

Everyone clapped, including the fainted girls, but the latter clapped telepathically, the Mary Sues pitying them and giving them a taste of their powers.

"In addition…" Dumbledore started, but was cut off.

"Oh, no need, Dumbly, no need!" Miss Mary-Sue cut in, in her simpering laugh, "I'm Mary-Sue Mathers, and I'll be your new Divination teacher." She immediately started to weep softly, and took out a handkerchief, dabbing at her eyes. "I am a replacement because Firenze, a dear old friend of mine, who I met on my wide travels, has died in a terrible accident. Hagrid accidentally stepped on him."

The Mary-Sues all made pitying looks at each other.

"But no one cares about that," Mary Sue cried brightly.

Everyone cheered.

All the fainted people became un-fainted.

Harry turned his gaze back to Hermione, and his eyes widened.

Hermione's hair was now wavy, blond, and had blue streaks. In addition, her eyes were now blue, due to colored contacts.

"Hi, Harry!" she said happily.

All the Mary-Sues giggled and whispered to her.

"The new girls gave me a new makeover!"

Ron noticed that Parvati Patil was eyeing Hermione enviously.

"Oh, yeah," Harry replied awkwardly, "That's, uh, great."

"Harry? I need to talk to you for a second," Misty said in a shushed voice.

"Okay," Harry replied. Suddenly the two of them were in a deserted dungeon.

"One of my kin is one you may not trust," she whispered.

"Kin?" Harry asked.

"Mary-Sues!"

"Oh. Which one?"

"I may not tell, Harry Potter."

Harry was reminded frightfully of Dobby.

"Well, okay then. I guess I'll find out later."

Misty began to sob. Harry was instantly reverted to perfect mode with a jerk by the author, who was getting tired of his obliviousness.

After Misty was comforted, they were sent back to the Great Hall.

"What was that?" asked Ron curiously.

"Oh, nothing," Harry replied.

"Oh my god!" Krissy shrieked elegantly.

Everyone turned in the direction of the teacher's table, and standing right in front of the teachers was….

A/N: Haha, a cliffy! How I love to torture you.


	5. Yet Another MarySue, Lupin James, And Pe...

_Harry Potter and The Something Something Something!_

**A Cute But Psycho Bunny:** LOL. I know about the whole Lupin/James thing. Such an idiotic rumor! Snape and Dumbledore appear to be able to "read minds", are THEY James Potter in disguise? Pshaw. What the heck is 'pshaw'? Anyway, I stole your James!Lupin idea, haha. Well, you suggested it anyway, except you'll NEVER FIND OUT WHICH MARY-SUE IS THE TRAITOR! Well, not soon.

**Watergal01:** Heehee, I included you now.

Chapter Five: Yet Another Mary-Sue, Lupin!James, And Peanut Butter Pancakes

….And standing directly in front of the teacher's table was..REMUS LUPIN! 

"Professor Lupin?" Harry asked blankly.

"No, Harry," Lupin said seriously, "I am your father!" With a little 'pop', he transformed into James Potter!

Harry's eyes filled with tears, and all the Mary-Sues, Hermione included, gasped. Ron choked on his soup, which is unusually hard to do. "Daddy?" he asked weakly.

"No way, dude!" James!Lupin said before turning back into himself and dissapearing.

Harry burst into sobs that were so fake they would have frightened a Komodo Dragon. Before anyone could comfort him, the doors to the Great Hall burst open.

"ITS ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN!" screamed a random Ravenclaw. Then she was thrown out of the room because there was no purpose to her other than that.

Fortunately, the Ravenclaw was wrong, anyway.

It was a red-headed girl.

She was obviously a Mary-Sue.

She looked around boredly.

"Like, oh my god," she exclaimed, "Am I, like, late?"

"No," said Ron sarcastically, who wasn't paying attention to her looks as he was shoving mashed potatoes into his mouth.

"Oh," she said blankly.

Then she sat down at the Gryffindor table.

There was an awkward silence.

"AWKWARD SILENCE!" screamed a random Hufflepuff, who was also excavated from the room.

"I'm like, Aly," she announced.

"Aly!" Mandy said crossly, but gently at the same time as Mary-Sues are NEVER mad except at really stupid dramatic moments or at the Enemy. "We were really worried!"

"Didn't show it too much," snickered Ron to Harry.

"At least you get to stay in character!" Harry hissed to Ron.

"Can you send us to bed already so we sneak off on adventures and to the Astronomy Tower to snog and stuff?" Erica asked Dumbledore.

"Yeah, whatever."

"PARTY TIME!" shrieked the Mary-Sues.

Mary-Sue Mathers did the disco as the Great Hall shone with colored lights.

"Not cool," said the Mary-Sues anxiously.

"Oh, right," said Mary-Sue calmly, and then stopped.

Harry blinked.

"Am I the only one that's confused?" he whispered to Ron.

"Like, totally," Aly replied instead. "We can't, like, be confused, because, like, we're, like, perfect. Like."

Harry didn't understand a word she'd just said.

"Okay then," he said awkwardly.

Kristy began to sob randomly.

"I am upset about Firenze!" she declared.

Harry stared. He hadn't done very well with Cho, and now there were sobbing girls everywhere he turned.

"…Sorry?" he offered.

"You, like, seriously need, like, some lessons in, like, perfectness," Aly put in, obviously the rude, "rebellious" one of the group, "I'm, like, the rebellious one," she added knowledgably.

"I'm the mysterious one," Misty told Harry.

"I'm the girl everyone's obsessed with!" bragged Erica.

"I'm the studious yet attractive nerd," Kristy put in.

"I'm the really hyper and funny one," Mandy said.

"That's…informative," Harry said politely.

"Like, so totally informative." Aly agreed. "Wanna go to the Forbidden Forest with me and save me from a vampire?"

"Wanna go and snog in the Astronomy tower and then cheat on you with Ron Weasley AND Draco Malfoy?" Erica asked.

"Wanna go help me with my homework that's really hard and eventually breaks me down because I have so much work to do and then I spill out my unfortunate past?" asked Kristy.

"Wanna go to Hogsmeade and tell jokes and then Draco Malfoy teases me and you stand up to him for me?" Mandy asked.

"Wanna go and see my really cool Animagus powers in a secret room in Hogwarts and then have me almost tell you who the traitor is but then get cut off somehow?" asked Misty.

"Maybe later," Harry said, overwhelmed. After that, he sped into bed and slept, because no one likes details about dreaming or not getting to sleep unless he's getting one of those weird Voldy dreams.

THE END of Chapter Five


	6. The Chapter Without An Actual Title

_Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!_

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: AHH! Stop giving me ideas, lol! I love your ideas, you don't hafta stop, but I need to get some creativity..You rock, by the way :3 Haha, hyperness rules.

Watergal01: ALY! MOOFWAFWAFWA, whaddaya think of yourself? Heehee! Plus, your earlier review about Miss Mathers being nice to all the Munchkins in Munchkinland was hilarious! I might include that somewhere..Haha..The Mira thing..the fainting..um, cough.

Everyone: Are these chapters too short? I'm not sure..

Chapter Six: **Like, oh my god!**

_In which everyone has a celery dip party and peanut butter pancakes are all the rage_

"EVERYONE WAKE UP!" Aly screeched sweetly to the rest of the girls in the sixth year girl's dorm.

Everyone woke up.

"Aly, you're so pretty," gushed Lavender.

"Aly, you're so intelligent," gushed Parvati.

"Aly, you're so rebellious," gushed Hermione.

"Aly, you're such a nice sister," gushed the Mary-Sues.

"And you're all really dumb," joked Aly.

Everyone laughed.

"I'm, like, so hilarious," bragged Aly.

"Totally, dude," Harry agreed, randomly in the girl's dorms and trying to be a bit more perfect, as Aly had suggested.

"I'm like, not, like, a dude," giggled Aly.

Harry grew very red.

"So, uh, peanut butter pancakes in the Great Hall, anyone?" he asked weakly.

"OOH, ME!" all the Mary-Sues squealed.

They all walked down to the Great Hall.

"Hello, children," Dumbledore said dully to the small amount of kids in the Great Hall. For filler, plastic dummies were placed on most of the seats. "Today we have everyone's favorite food to eat: peanut butter pancakes. And Miss Mathers has kindly suggested that we have a celery dip party, so celery and condiments are available as well."

Cho Chang suddenly stormed up to the Gryffindor table.

"I'm mad at you," she said to Harry.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"'Cause I'm a moron," snapped Cho.

"Go away," Erica hissed.

"Fine," said Cho poutily, walking back to her seat.

Mandy began to eat her peanut butter pancakes, piling twenty on her plate because she was one of those crazy people that never get fat. The rest of the Mary-Sues ate healthy celery, to keep up their skinniness. Hermione glanced enviously at Mandy.

"I see you're eating a lot," Harry remarked.

"I always eat a lot," Ron told Mandy.

"So do I!" Mandy cried brightly, her eyes lighting up.

And then they immediately fell in love.

Mary-Sue Mathers was immediately at the scene, wiping her eyes with a linen handkerchief. "Awww," she said sweetly.

But then Cho came over and snogged Ron!

((I'm demonstrating how ridiculously crazy some of the book six fanfics are, regarding plots…))

"You..you.." Mandy gasped. Then she slapped Cho!

"You…you…" Cho gasped. "PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!" she hollered.

"What?" Professor Dumbledore said dully, arriving at the scene with a pop. "You must solve these problems on your own, as the author is hopelessly bored of dealing with me."

"FINE," hissed Cho.

"DETENTION!" Hagrid roared, "No one can treat the Headmaster like that!"

Cho stomped off sulkily.

Ron had convieniently dissappeared.

"I think this story is actually more about the Mary-Sues than me, author," Harry observed.

"Obviously, Harry. This is because the majority of the world are idiots," the author explained patiently. "You will someday learn, young grasshopper."

"Okay…" Harry agreed hesistantly.

THE END of Chapter Six.


	7. Harry Is A Young Grasshopper?

Harry Potter and the Something, Something, Something!

**Avie**: SORRY! I'm going to respond to absolutely anyone who reviews now, as to make it fair. Moofwafwafwafwa. Thanks, and yesh, it is extremely random…but I suppose that's what makes it funny. I think we all enjoyed the 'AWKWARD SILENCE', haha. I do that when there's an awkward silence…but I don't scream it. If I screamed it, it would RUIN THE EFFECT. But the Hufflepuff was in a huge room full of people, so she HAD to scream it. And if she whispered it, what would be the point then? …Uh.

**Naoko Tasaki**: Hmm, feng shui. I know absolutely nothing about feng shui, but its an interesting idea. I might be able to cook something up, hehe. Pink and yellow sounds very festive as well, I'm SURE our dear Professor would agree, teehee. Thanks for reviewing!

**A Cute But Pyscho Bunny**: OH MY GOD. That review was so overwhelming. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever drink that much root beer. Ever. Again. Fine, you can still do it! It gives me ideas, but now I have to be determined to not use all of them. YOU should write a story with all these ideas instead of reviewing my kinda lame ones, haha. Plus, Mione's already a Mary-Sue so that last idea won't work..Well, not COMPLETELY in personality YET, but in LOOKS yes, so far.

**Kiki Cabou:** Aww, there's only five. Wait. Six. Wait. Seven. Um…at least two will be killed off for angst later, but I WON'T SAY WHO! AND I WON'T SAY WHO THE TRAITOR IS, EITHER! Also, please don't curse in your reviews. Please.

Guess I actually have to add something ELSE to these stupid pages now.

A/N: DO NOT CURSE IN YOUR REVIEWS.

Disclaimer: I don't own anybody, besides my wonderfully crafted Mary-Sues and insane ideas, if they aren't Aly's or Cute But Pyscho's.

Summary: Parody. Parody. Parody. PARODY IF YOU COULDN'T TELL BY THE FIRST SIX CHAPTERS! IDIOTS. (Gosh!) Cough, Napoleon Dynamite.

**Chapter Seven:** Harry Is A Young Grasshopper?

_In which classes finally start and a young boy turns into a man_

"Harry is a young grasshopper?" Ron asked blankly, but was ignored.

"Hmm, which class should we go to first, sisters?" asked Misty.

"Potions!" said Kristy.

"Charms!" said Mandy.

"Defense Against The Dark Arts!" said Erica.

"Let's skip class!" said Aly.

So then Aly skipped class.

"Where's Aly?" asked Ron absent-mindedly, chewing on a peanut butter pancake as they headed off for Potions.

"Oh – she, uh, hurt her leg," lied Mandy, not wanting to make Ron think less of her because of her sister.

"She did?" asked Harry. Erica kicked him in the shins. "Ow," Harry said dully.

Then they finally got to Potions.

"Hello, children," Snape sneered, "You are approximately six seconds late. DETENTION!"

Kristy burst into tears and fell to her knees.

"How dare you!" Harry spouted, "We are not rule-breakers!"

"You are rule breakers in my eyes," Snape snarled, "NOW SIT DOWN!"

((An example of the oh-so-heroic heroic dialogue and villainous dialogue in book six fanfics.))

Everyone sat down.

"NOW," Snape said icily, "What do you call the stomach organs of a wonkycarcarlook?"

"A harharshimmydoo!" cried Mandy, not raising her hand.

"WRONG!" hissed Snape, although she was right.

"I am NOT wrong," hissed Mandy.

"She is right," Misty agreed.

"You're a jerk," put in Erica.

"DETENTION FOR THE WHOLE YEAR!" Snape screeched.

Then the Mary-Sues fried him with the laser beams in their eyes.

"He'll come around," Erica shrugged.

Then they all had another celery dip party in the classroom.

"Ooh, a party!" Professor Black exclaimed, randomly walking by and coming in.

Everyone gave him sticks of celery.

"Thank you!" he said gratefully, "You are all getting Os!"

"COOL, BRIBERY!" a random Slytherin yelled. Then he was thrown out of the room.

"Hunger," whined Harry and Ron, eyeing Sirius enviously.

Mandy handed Ron a celery stick.

Ron ate it so fast he choked.

"Noooo, my love!" Mandy shrieked.

Misty used her magical powers to make Ron stop choking.

Ron's eyes fluttered open.

And then THEY fell in love!

"Aww!" said Professor Black sweetly.

"Still hungry," Harry whined.

"Deal with it, pal!" said Sirius, slapping Harry on the back.

((AHH..Sirius..so..out..of..character..))

THE END of chapter seven


	8. Who Cares About The Title?

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

Watergal01: Thank you for your INFORMATIVE checklist. Like, so totally informative. All that will be included soon. Plus, someone's going to die…I'll tell you on AIM, hee hee hee. Sorry this chapter isn't too long.

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Don't you mean Ron and Misty? Or do you mean Ron and Mandy? Well, Mandy and Misty both love Ron now; SIBLING RIVALRY! I hate celery too, its gross. Celery dip parties are one of my private running jokes, hee hee. What's a BWL? I like Harry's character in the books, but, yes, he is stupid. Sometimes. Occaisonally.

Avie: Actually, Sirius is practically out of character in every single fanfic I write, sadly. The humorous ones, which are most of them, and I hate "Only Cowards Cry"… I'm obsessed with the, "COOL, BRIBERY!". I have to make that a running joke throughout the fic. And you know what the sequel to this fic will be named? "Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storge" or "Harry Potter and the Kettle of Nackledirk". Don't know if you'd get the humor in that unless you go to JKR's site…but, whatever! HI, ALU! UPDATE THE SNAPE IN MUGGLELAND THINGY!And Avie, update your limericks! And I don't know if I ever reviewed the little Arwen with the little white feathers thing, but I loved that!

Oink. I'm a pig.: Cool anonymous name. Quack. I'm a duck. Thanks for your review!

Naoko Tasaki: Girl Scouts! Hee hee. Some Girl Scouts came to my apartment like a MONTH ago, and we ordered cookies. AND NEVER GOT THEM!

Chapter Eight: Does Anyone Really Care About The Names Of The Chapters?

_In which Harry wields the Green Flame Torch_((Anyone else heard about that stupid rumor?))

Suddenly, a random Death Eater strode into the room.

"DIE, HARRY!" he screeched, taking out his wand.

"NOOOO," Sirius screamed.

"DIE, DEATH EATER!" Harry shrieked, taking the Green Flame Torch from his pocket and waving it in the Death Eater's face! "Begone with you!"

"NOOOO," the Death Eater screamed, dissappearing.

"Oh, Harry, you're my hero!" breathed Kristy.

"Oh, Harry, you're my hero!" breathed Erica.

"Oh, Harry, you're an idiot!" mimicked Draco Malfoy, who randomly appeared.

Kristy snatched the Green Flame Torch from Harry and threw it on Malfoy. "Eat slugs, Malfoy!" she shrieked.

"NOOOO," Draco screamed, running away.

"You stole my line," Ron pouted.

"EAT SLUGS, KRISTY!" Misty and Mandy screeched, defending their dear Ronald.

"NOOOO," Kristy screeched, belching up slugs.

((Sorry, Kristen!))

"Mwahahahaha," Misty laughed evilly, and her eyes glowed bright. "MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, no!" breathed Mandy, "She's going to have a prediction…in front of ALL THESE PEOPLE!"

"Oh, no!" gasped Harry and Ron, "We can't let that happen!"

"I shall aid you!" Sirius said proudly, transporting them to a random room. "Now, where is Mary…"

(("MARY-SUE!" an evil voice screeched impatiently in his head. Yes, Miss Mathers had Galadriel powery stuff, too.))

"Yeah, whatever," Sirius muttered, walking out of the room.

"The Dark Lord's daughter shall return!" Misty gasped, "Shall return to her old ways, one of my kind! One I hold close but soon shall not…Beware! Beware!" She slumped to the floor and fainted.

"Uhh…'cause you're all fainted and stuff," McGonagall said awkwardly, randomly appearing, "You're getting all O's!"

"COOL, BRIBERY!" screamed Ron.

"Yes, yes, Weasley," McGonagall grumbled.

Then she was gone.

"HARRY, SAVE ME!" A screeching came from far away! It was Aly! GASP!

Like, oh my god.

Harry immediately became all alert.

"I must go, my dear companions!" he cried, before racing to the Forbidden Forest.

Aly was slumped on the forest floor, bleeding from several places. A huge dragon stood before her!

"SAVE ME, HARRY!" she screeched again, "BEFORE I DIE AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Then she fainted.

"Uh.." Harry stammered, "GO AWAY!"

The dragon tromped away lazily.

Harry pulled Aly back to the castle.

As he entered the Hospital Wing with Aly in hand, a nervous Spanish woman was looking around.

"¡Soy embarazado!" she said anxiously.

"Huh?" asked Harry stupidly.

Remus Lupin, who had randomly appeared, fainted, and the woman dissapeared.

((HAHA, ALY!))

Harry blinked. "I don't think this is the best place to be right now," he said awkwardly.

Suddenly, Aly woke.

"YOU'RE SUCH A MOR-" she shrieked, but then was calmed. "Oh, hello, Harry," she said, looking a little confused.

"Hi," said Harry.

Then he walked away.

Aly ate some cheese.

Far, far, far away in a couple of classrooms away, Severus Snape woke up from being fried.

THE END of Chapter Eight


	9. DUN DUN DUN!

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

A Cute But Psycho Bunny: You mean Marcus like Marcus Flint, maybe? MAYBE? Hee hee, thank you for your amusing reviews. Not telling what the Spanish lady said! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope you can't find out, either, cause it gives a spoiler about another story. But you might NEVER FIND THAT STORY, MOOFWAFWAFWA! BEARER OF FLAMING SNOT? WHAT THE HELL!

Avalon Estel: YAY for knowing all the made-up titles! HARRY POTTER AND THE MOUNTAIN OF FANTASY! WHOOOOO! Capitalization rocks! Thanks for your reviewses.

Naoko Tasaki: OMG! I totally hate Chad Michael Murray too! IDIOT! DIE CINDERELLA STORY MOVIE! I saw that movie, just to make fun of it. It sucked. CHAD STINKS! STINKER! STINKER LIKE SMEAGOL!

Aly: HAHAHAHA you rock!

Munchkins – Coming soon. I promise. Maybe even in this chapter – I really make it up as I go along.  
Kill off... – AHAHAHAHA, they'll die soon. They will.  
Invasion of the Vampires – Ooh, interesting..ever heard the Snape is a vamp rumor? HE COULD KILL THEM OFF! IN THIS CHAPTER! YAY!  
More Mira/faint ness. Mwahaha. Ok, maybe not. – Noo, it would ruin it! Unless I made her say something really weird like "Cheesy potatoes!" and then Remus shakes her shoulders frantically and is like, "VOLDEMORT? WHERE?" and she's like, "…CHEESY POTATOES!" and then Remus goes insane. YAY!  
Why was Siri-poo looking for Mary-Sue? No! They're not... /dating! NO! – Maybe they are..tee hee hee..  
Remind everyone how hot Johnny Depp is, and Sirius. Because they are one and the same. – LOL. HI EVERYONE! JOHNNY DEPP IS SO UGLY THAT THE SIGHT OF HIM BURNS MY EYES! Just kidding.

To Those Mentioned Above: Aww, you're like my only reviewers. I LOVE YOU GUYS! SPREAD THE TACO LOVE! Unless you don't like tacos. THEN YOU STINK! Just kidding.

Chapter Nine: DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

In which…DUN DUN DUN!

Where were we?

Oh, yes.

Beautiful, wondrous Hogwarts.

So marvelously beautiful!

Er, yes. Now, where ELSE were we?

Oh, yes.

Dear Snape. Up from being fried. Wakey, wakey, dear Snape!

"Huh?" Snape said groggily as he rose, "I am distressed…why am I lying on the floor?"

Suddenly he went into a murderous rampage!

"EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE FLOORS!" he screamed, immediately transforming into a bloodthirsty vampire…attacking the first person in sight.

Fortunately for all of us, it was Mary-Sue Mathers, eating a cheesy potato!

"AHHHH!" she shrieked elegantly as Snape lowered his fangs into his shoulder. Then she died of blood loss. Or something like that.

Snape filled a vial with her blood and held it up, smiling toothily.

"BLOOD – JUST DRINK IT!" he said cheerily, smiling at the camera.

"PERFECT!" the director yelled, "JUST PERFECT, SNAPE! YOU'RE GETTING A RAISE!"

"Whee!" Snape said, prancing around. Then Sirius randomly appeared. He saw Mary-Sue on the floor.

"YES-" he began to scream in joy, but then coughed and gasped fakely. "SNAPE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he demanded.

"I have rid us all of this…burden," Snape said icily.

"Well, true," Sirius admitted. "See ya, buddy!" he said brightly, slapping Snape on the back.

Snape scowled.

Then all the Munchkins invaded!

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" roared Harry, running in with his Green Flame Torch.

"It's the Munchkins," Snape explained calmly.

"IT'S THE MUNCHKINS!" Aly shrieked, running over a little too late.

"OH NO!" cried Harry, "IT'S THE MUNCHKINS!"

By the time all of this was over, the Munchkins were gone.

((Because Aly told me to, here is an informative reminder: Johnny Depp rocks!))

The author sighed. "Ah, well, young grasshopper, you are learning. Yet, very slowly. How shall we speed up this process?"

"By GOING FORWARD INTO TIME!" Harry suggested heroically.

"No, no," the author groaned.

"YES, YES!" Aly shrieked, "IT WOULD ADD SO MUCH MORE TO THE PLOT!"

"If you say so…"

So then a time machine appeared in front of the two, and the author dissappeared.

"COOL!" Harry shrieked.

"BRIBERY!" Hermione added helpfully, accidentally thinking he had wanted to say that phrase, which I hope you are sick of now.

"OH MY GOD!" Aly screamed, "YOU MADE A MISTAKE!" She pointed a shaking finger at Hermione. "You are no longer one of us!"

Hermione began to sob, and immediately changed back into her former self.

((Well, that eliminates one of the Mary-Sues from the DLD list. Wait, two, if you include Mary-Sue Mathers.))

"BOOKS!" she cried suddenly. "I MUST READ! READ I MUST!" So she raced to the bibliotheque.

In other words, the library.

Then all the Vampires came and killed Harry.

Well, not exactly.

Harry threw the Torch at them. And then they died. And then Snape went into another murderous rampage!

"CURSE YOU!" he thundered shrilly, running away.

"CURSE ME?" Harry returned angrily.

"CURSE ME, HARRY!" Draco challenged.

"CURSE YOU?" Harry demanded.

"CURSE YOU, POTTER!" Draco shrieked.

"CURSE ME! CURSE ME!" Dumbledore yelled brightly.

"Curse you?" Harry said dubiously.

"No way, dude!" Dumbledore said.

"Okay…_man_," Harry agreed hesistantly.

THE END OF CHAPTER NINE


	10. BACK TO THE FUTUREPASTTHING!

Harry Potter And the Something Something Something!

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Yep. Sure darned usefulness! Eww, flaming snot. LOL. Marcus Flint was some guy on the Slytherin Quidditch Team. I think. But then he graduated or whatever. Snape's not going to kill anymore peoples…THE TRAITOR MARY-SUE WILL KILL IN LATER CHAPTERS! Cho's in Ravenclaw…whiny Cho…gr.. I like Huffy! I used to get Hufflepuff all the time when I did House quizzes, but now I ALWAYS GET GRYFFINDOR! For some weird reason. Keisuke? Eh? Sharon Creech? I've only read one book by Sharon Creech. I didn't like it. It was Love That Dog, which doesn't sound like a kid. Which bothered me. I think I read part of Walk Two Moons years ago, I can't remember what happened in it. Never read Bloomability. Ever read any Jerry Spinelli? I LOVE JERRY SPINELLI BOOKS! 'SPECIALLY MILKWEED, MANIAC MAGEE, STARGIRL, LOSER, AND THE LIBRARY CARD!...OOH, DEAD PEOPLE! I update almost everyday, isn't that soon enough for you? SNIFFLE! SNIFFLE! SNIFFLE!

Naoko Tasaki: MARY-SUES! ATTACK! (Mary Sues attack with laser beams…) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Avalon Estel: Hee hee. Oops, Alu, don't die. THAT WOULD BE SAD! SO DON'T! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE JUST BECAUSE OF WEIRD OLD ME…OR CRAZY OLD SNAPE! SNIFFLE! Thanks about the "curse" conversation.

CURSE THOSE ADDICTIVE PUNS!

Puns: Curse us?

CURSE YOU!

Puns: Curse us?

Hermione: CURSE THEM!

Harry: What? WHO!

Puns: Curse US!

I'm not a genius, unfortunately…at least, I don't think I am. I'm a sixth grader. COOL, A SIXTH GRADE GENIUS! COOL, BRIBERY!

Remember Cedric Diggory: Have I mentioned I LOVE your penname? Hee hee, SPREAD THE RANDOM LOVE!

**Chapter Ten:** BACK TO THE FUTURE!...PAST!...SOMETHING!

_In which there are things that malfunction_

"Lets go forward in time!" Aly screeched.

"Okay!" agreed Harry.

So they stepped into the time machine. But because the time machine was malfunctioning, they went BACKWARDS INTO TIME INSTEAD OF FORWARDS! OH DEAR!

So then they landed on top of the Marauders' heads.

"AHH!" yelled James Potter. "I think an owl just pooped on me! A REALLY BIG POOP!"

"I'm not POOP!" screeched Aly.

Then Sirius looked up at her…

AND IMMEDIATELY FELL IN LOVE!

Remus and Peter weren't even IN the story. Because they're so BORING.

((Idiots that make them have really tiny parts! REMUS IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!))

"I love you, Sirius!" Aly gushed.

"I love you, Aly!" Sirius gushed.

So then they kissed.

"AWW," sighed Professor McGonagall, walking by. "How sweet."

James ran off, feeling left out, to go snog Lily.

Harry stared.

"HEY EVERYBODY!" he yelled, "I'M HARRY POTTER!"

"Booooring," groaned a random Hufflepuff.

"But..but..but.." Harry wailed, not realizing that he wasn't even alive in this period.

So he pulled Aly and Sirius apart.

"YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" barked Harry, grabbing Sirius.

"WHY?" Sirius asked blankly.

"I dunno," said Harry. And then he dropped Sirius.

"Let's go home," sighed Aly.

"Okay," agreed Harry. So then they went home in the time machine.

Kristy was looking around fearfully where they were transported back.

"I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU, ALY!" she yelled, looking completely distraught. "YOU'RE ALWAYS _LEAVING_ ME!"

"YOU'RE A STUPID IDIOT!" Aly yelled.

"I HATE YOU!" Kristy yelled, running off, sobbing.

"Huh?" Harry asked.

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" howled Aly, stomping off in a rage.

So Harry ate some cheese.

But then Mandy and Misty came in, tugging at poor Ronald's arms.

"HE'S MINE!"

"NO, HE'S MINE!"

Ron whimpered.

"Unhand my friend," Harry said bravely, striking an Aragorn pose and taking out his sword. "We can sort…_this_…out later."

"NO!" they both cried in unison.

So Harry pulled Ron away.

"Run, my friend," Harry whispered, "Run!"

"I'm glad you're with me, here at the end of all things," Ron blubbered.

Suddenly the story stopped with a sound like a broken tape player. Mandy and Misty froze, but Harry and Ron still moved.

"The end?" Harry said blankly, "What do you mean, the end?"

"I dunno," Ron shrugged. So then the story kicked back into movement.

"RUN!" Harry screamed as the Mary-Sues lunged.

So Ron ran. Harry held the girls back, panting. So then they cried of despair.

"He'll be back…eventually," Harry said hopefully.

The two girls glared at each other.

"Oh, I'll get him, not you!" Misty yelled.

"YOU ARE SO WRONG! I'LL GET HIM!" Mandy roared, turning into that Veela-bird thing, because she was, of course, a veela.

"AHHH!" Harry screamed, trying to fight her off with the Torch. It didn't work, because she wasn't an embodiment of evil.

((Three ticked off now for Dark Lord's Daughter! ..HAAHAHHAHAHA the suspense. Erica, Aly, Misty, Kristy…which is it? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! Well, until a few chapters later.))

But soon she turned back, calming.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she sobbed, then ran off to get popcorn.

"Ron'll never love a CREEPY BIRD THING!" Misty yelled spitefully down the hall where she'd ran.

Then she tensed.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she cried, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh no!" Harry cried, "Another prediction!"

"Nah," she snickered, "I just felt like doing that."

"Oh," Harry said. "Okay then."

THE END OF CHAPTER TEN


	11. JASSINANDRA, DUH!

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

Ariana The Musical Genius: Hey, you changed your penname! Coolies! Thanks for your reviews.

Naoko Tasaki: OMG, I love that idea! I might do it! THANK YOU!

Remember Cedric Diggory: One word: LOL. Except its an acronym. Um.

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: Ooh, yay, you like Jerry Spinelli! Markell? That's a kinda strange nameth. MOOFWAFWAFWAFWA. Of COURSE James is an idiot. Look at Harry! Nope, it won't mess up time. And thank you for bleeping out your curse word. Because in sixth year stories, nothing EVER ges complicated. DUH! AND DUH! for the dork and loser. Everyone just loves stereotypes, its essential for sixth year stories! SARCASM, if you couldn't tell. Yeah. Viggo Mortensen is NOT cute. Plus, ARAGORN SMELLS! He's like forty-something. Plus, isn't he divorced and has a kid? GET OVER IT, FANGIRLS, YEESH! UGH, I hate Usher! Cool, fish. Seeya.

Avalon Estel: It came from an urge to eat cheese myself. I had no access to the fermented milky good, so I vented out my urge on Harry. Very simple:) Thanksies about the geniosity..is that a word?..again. Academically I do alright too, I believe. MWAHAHAHA!

Chapter Eleven: Jassinandra

In which there are yet more unnecessary dance sequences

Suddenly, Misty broke into song.

"Ligers and tigons!" she warbled sweetly.

"Ligers and tigons!" Mandy echoed, running back into the room with her popcorn.

"Oh, what wonderful things they are!" Misty sang, twirling around.

"Oh, what marvelous things!" Mandy sighed.

Harry stared, mezmerized, mouth half open in surprise at their beautiful singing voices.

"GO AWAY," Misty hissed to Mandy. Mandy walked away, and Misty walked away in the other direction, fuming.

And so ends unnecessary dance sequence number one!

Suddenly, a gorgeous woman appeared before Harry!

Her cascading, golden-blonde locks wove around her shoulders all the way down to her slender waist, a tiara of blue stones set upon them. Her skin was pale as a winter's day, and her pale blue dress was simple yet complicated; with flowing sleeves, the front tied with a pure white ribbon as if a corset, the bodice lined with green diamonds, and her flowing skirt stopping just above her knees. Her fingers were long and pale, and a single silver ring was worn on her left hand. Her eyes were of a pure amethyst hue, holding sadness and shyness and surrounded by full, fair lashes. Despite the shyness in her eyes, her voice was strong as she spoke, musical as a lapping waterfall.

"Harry Potter," she said, extending a hand to him, "I am-" she started, but was cut off.

"WHO ARE YOU!" Harry demanded.

"I am-"

"WHO ARE YOU!"

"I am Jassinandra, one of the Vabine!" she shrieked impatiently.

Harry stared at her. "What's that mean?" he demanded.

"I dunno," she shrugged elegantly, "But I am here to send you on a very important quest."

Harry unsheathed his sword. "And what kind of quest is this?" he cried.

Jassinandra took his sword from him gently and broke it in half with one gentle rip. "Do not use a flimsy sword," she commanded, "Use one of these!" She handed him a block of cheese.

"Cool!" he remarked.

"Indeed," Jassinandra agreed, "And your quest is to-" she started, but was cut off.

"WHAT IS IT?"

"Your quest –"

"WHAT IS IT?"

"Your quest is to discover the traitorous Mary-Sue and destroy her, Harry Potter. She is a threat to us all. These are the last words I bid you," Jassinandra said softly, and with a small bow of her head, she dissapeared.

"But that's hard," Harry whined. But, of course, she was gone.

"UGH!" Erica whined, entering the room.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Hagrid almost STEPPED on me," she whined.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because he's an IDIOT!" Erica screeched.

Harry took out the Torch! No one could insult Hagrid while he was around!

But it didn't affect her!

"GRR, YOU'RE NOT AN EMBODIMENT OF EVIL!" Harry screamed, wanting the suspense to be over.

"Of course, I'm not," Erica yelled, and even told him who was in her distress but couldn't be heard because a train rumbled through the school.

"DARN IT!" Harry screeched, "I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!"

"You're STUPID!" Erica shrieked, and ran away.

THE END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN

A/N: So, who is it? Aly, Misty, or Kristy? Take your bets, peoples!


	12. THE TRAITOR IS REVEALED

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

Hi: Hi, I'd read your story if you weren't anonymous…thanks for your review – DON'T CHOKE!

Avalon Estel: Hee hee hee. I thought the description paragraph stuck out rather weirdly in the chapter. Hey, you have TWO sisters? I have two sisters too! Mwahahahaha. Both older! So, one vote on Kristy..

P.S. I'm UPDATING, don't send the emus on me! Pleasy pleasy please!

Naoko Tasaki: OOH, COOKIE! I MUST UPDATE FASTER! Two votes for Kristy..

PinkyChik: Wow. That is so awesome! Thanks!

Ariana the Musical Genius: Wow, what a wonderful theory. Insight must seep through your veins:) Thanks about the story rocking.

Remember Cedric Diggory: One for Aly! CHEESE SHOULD ALWAYS BE EXPECTED! ALWAYS! ALWAYS I SAY!

A Cute But Pyscho Bunny: For once you weren't the first to review the chapter! Haha. Well..actually..you haven't always been! BUT WHO CARES? Ewwww, Usher. PSHAW!

Sors: Wow. Thanks…I think oO;; XD

EVERYBODY WHO'S READING RIGHT NOW: Is Jassinandra a real name? I think I did it by combining "Janina" and "Cassandra"..

Wow, this story's getting popular! Whee!

**Chapter Twelve**: The Traitor

_In which Harry feels lonely. Poor baby, so lonely!_

Harry felt lonely.

Very, very lonely.

Very, very, _very_ lonely.

Ron was still gone.

Hermione was constantly at the library.(Harry was unsure whether the change back to normal had been all that helpful.)

Mandy was parading around as an evil bird thing, because she missed Ron so badly, and Misty was conked out in the Hospital Wing after having too many useless predictions and wearing herself out, also because of Ron.

((Go Ron. We're rid of them!..for..now.))

Aly had gone back in time again to snog Sirius.

Erica was off snogging Draco Malfoy.

Kristy was the only person around, and he hardly knew her. But, hey, he was bored. So he traipsed over to the girl, who looked very distressed as she leaned over her homework.

"Hi," Harry said.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" shrieked Kristy.

Harry stared. Kristy stared. Harry stared. Kristy stared. Harry blinked. Kristy stared.

"YOU BLINKED!" Kristy screamed, "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

((No pun intended.))

But then Kristy's face softened. "If you go, you should know I love you! If you should go, you should know I am here!" She turned away, sobbing, but still sang through her tears. "Always be near me, guardian angel…Always be near me, there's no fear…"

((If anyone caught that song, I'll give you a cookie!))

But, ironically, as the words "there's no fear" came out of her mouth, she changed into Jassinandra – but a hardly recognizable Jassinandra, with skin of putrid green and blood spilling from her lips.

"What!" Harry cried.

"Yes, yes, Harry Potter," she sneered, "I am Jassinandra. I tried to give you a clue of the traitor with the block of cheese…Aly has a obsession, really. I thought you might see the connection and think SHE was the traitor…lure her and destroy her, the disgusting thing…but you are barely intelligent compared to me! I, Kristy…everyone thought I was WEAK..Mother only told me of my father. She knew I had power! More than those sniveling brats…Unfortunately they found out eventually..." Suddenly she changed again to Kristy, an evil smile playing around her lips. She snapped her fingers and slender, sharp knife appeared in her hand. "Enough." She said stiffly, "Now you must die."

"You must die, Harry Potter, because you a threat to both I and my master. We will not stand for this any longer. He cannot kill you, but I certainly can, you fool… There is no one to save you!" she cackled, and suddenly they were in a very, very small cramped room without windows or doors.

Harry couldn't move! He was chained to the wall!

"LET ME OUT!" he yelled.

But Kristy was moving closer…closer with her slender knife, an insanely delightful smile on her face.

"You must die," she repeated again, stepping but an inch from where he was chained. "And you will."

THE END OF CHAPTER TWELVE

A/n: Okay, so it wasn't that funny. But there's a cliffy!


	13. RON SAVES THE DAY

Harry Potter and the Something Something Something!

AHH, so many reviews!

77! That's practically a lucky number!

….And this is the last chapter! The unlucky number, heh heh heh. But there WILL be a sequel!

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY! You all get presents today! Mwahahaha, virtual presents.

Avalon Estel: I have TWO sisters and ONE brother :) And I'm the youngest, blegh. DON'T SEND THE EMUS ON ME:gives caramel Hershey's kisses for you and your collection of siblings:

Henrietta-Black: I'm writing, I'm writing! SEE ME? TYPING? THESE WORDS? LYK, OMG! Er, cough. Thanks for your enthusiasm :) :gives chocolate-covered pretzels:

Watergal01: HEY, you can't bet! I TOLD you who it was anyway…and…why am I replying to your chap 11 review? Knives are cool. Count Olaf had a knife in the second A Series of Unfortunate Events book! And it was creepy. :nodnod: They already fried Snapey, I'm done with frying…XP :gives Sirius plushie, white chocolate chips, and Eckersley voodoo doll: Fate can play with that last one :)

Eckersley: NOOOO!

Remember Cedric Diggory: DON'T THROW YOURSELF OFF THE CLIFFY! IT MIGHT HARM THE POOR THING! Oh…yeah, and for your safety too. :) :gives ice cream: DON'T CHOKE, EITHER!

A Cute But Pyscho: Actually, I got it from Janina and Cassandra, like this:

Ja Janina

ssCassandra

inJanina

andraCassandra

I thought I said I got it from those two names earlier though? Oh pah. Whatever! Darn it, and just when I was thinking I was a genius! Oh well, I'll blame it on Kristy. :3 It's the DARK LORD'S INFLUENCE, its ruining her precious grammar. :) YESH! A CLIFFY! CLIFFIES RAWK:gives cheese puffs: Yum, cheese. :)

IrishEyesAreSmiling: Good, but don't choke! NO CHOKING ALLOWED! Thanks for your review :) :gives cookies:

Naoko Tasaki: Ooh, CHAD! I'll send Kristy on him later…IF she survives…:) Ooh, what do I get a cookie for? Updating? COOL! I don't have a favorite girl scout cookie o.O I don't even know what kinds they have, when we got them my dad picked. :gives Dutch waffle cookie things with syrup inside:

Faint Hate: WOW, you sound totally hyper. Lyk, oh my god. I LOVE the curse conversation! It esh my pride and joy!...Kinda. JELLO OUT OF YOUR NOSE? Darn, are lots of my reviewers going to die eventually? That would stink. Majorly. I lurve the name Cassandra! (And the name Janina, that's why I combined them. But Jassinandra I don't like. XD) You officially rawk just 'cause of your name. And the jello out of the nose stuff. And the hyperness! Ness-ish. I LIKE IT! Okay, I think I'm actually a little scared of you, but that's okay:) :gives chocolate:

So many reviews! That took up over a page…anyway, on with the chapter. I hope you're all satisfied with the last chapter!

**Chapter Thirteen**: Ron Saves The Day

'_Nuff said._

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Ron, randomly jumping in as Kristy was about to plunge the knife into Harry's heart, "I SHALL SAVE YOOOOUUU!"

"Ron!" Harry gasped in surprise. Ron plunged his own sword through Kristy's back and through her heart. Strangely, it was glowing pink.

"New edition of Sting," Ron said proudly, "Glows pink when Mary-Sues are around! Kinda girly though," he said, sounding a bit dissappointed.

Kristy made a sound like an angry bird and dropped to the ground, defeated, as Ron pulled the sword out.

"Thanks, Ron," Harry said gratefully.

"No problem," Ron answered, "NOW HOW THE BLOODY HELL DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!"

"How'd you get in?"

"I dunno," Ron shrugged.

"Hi, Harry!" Hermione said gleefully.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Harry demanded.

"I'm –"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN?"

"I'm sav-"

"STOP STALLING!"

"I'm SAVING YOUR BLOODY LIVES!" Hermione shrieked, then gasped. "Oh no," she gasped, "I said 'bloody'! That can't be good, can it?"

"No," the author said, "It cannot."

"WELL?" Ron demanded, "What's going to happen?"

"Not telling!" the author said, and dissappeared.

"HI EVERYBODY!" Sirius yelled, crashing through the ceiling on his motorbike. Ludo Bagman rode on it behind him.

"Sirius?" Harry said blankly, "Mr. Bagman?"

"Hi, Harry!" said Bagman, "I'm a big creep!"

"COOL!" Harry cried.

"BRIBERY!" Ron added helpfully.

"NO!" Harry screamed, "NO BRIBERY!"

"YES BRIBERY!" Ron yelled.

"Shut it, the lot of you!" Hermione hissed, "I think I hear something coming…"

"The ceiling's gone, if you looked up you could actually SEE the thing," Ron snorted.

But Ron was wrong, of course. The person came in through the floor.

"Like, what are you all, like, doing?" Aly demanded, walking in.

"I dunno," Harry shrugged.

"Well, like, get to class. Snape, is, like, teaching us how to make, like, really awesome cream puffs!"

"COOL!" Harry screamed.

"BRIBERY!" a random Hufflepuff said helpfully, peering in.

Two random guard people whacked the Hufflepuff with blocks of cheese. Then he died.

Then Harry stole their cheese.

"I'm going to make CHEESE puffs!" he announced.

Everyone cheered.

"Lets get to class," grumbled Hermione, who didn't enjoy being late. So they all got back to Hogwarts. Somehow.

Indeed, Snape was showing everyone how to make cream puffs…with a TEENY-WEENY addition of poison, of course.

"NOW EVERYONE TAKE A BITE!" he shrieked, as all of them finished making them.

Everyone but the Mary-Sues and the trio died, because they were all immune to poison, of course.

"Hey, thanks, Snape!" the author said brightly, "All those annoying minor characters are gone now!"

But, of course, a Slytherin, a Gryffindor, a Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw were hiding in a broom closet. Somewhere. But we don't need to know about THEM until the sequel!

"Well, bye, Harry!" the Mary-Sues all said, "We need to leave. We only stay for a few months because we need to terrorize other schools," they explained.

"Goodbye," Harry sobbed, "Will I ever see you lot again?"

"I don't know," weeped Misty, "I just don't know."

Aly snorted. "Of course you won't! We all secretly hate you," she explained.

"Really?" Harry asked blankly.

"NO!" she yelled.

"…Okay," Harry said.

"I'll miss you guys," Ron said somberly.

"I won't," muttered Hermione.

"What was that?" Aly demanded.

"I said, 'I wish I was as pretty as you are,'" Hermione lied through her teeth.

"Oh. Well, you never will be, duh. Like, duh. Like, oh my god."

So the Mary-Sues left.

Everyone had a celery dip party in celebration of their leave!

Well, everyone being Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Sirius, McGonagall, Snape, Hagrid, Tonks, Remus and…a really huge cornflake with arms and legs.

"A distant relation," Dumbledore explained, "I thought it polite to invite him."

"Okay," McGonagall said hesistantly.

"He's rather quiet, isn't he?" snickered Ron.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" roared the cornflake, going up to Ron.

"Nothing," Ron squeaked.

"Be polite, Ron!" Hermione hissed.

"Fine," Ron snapped.

Then the party was over.

"So…what's next?" Harry asked.

"Nothing," Dumbledore said, looking at his timetable, "Eat cheese puffs, file nails, get a dental plan for Hagrid, listen to new age music, say goodbye to Mary-Sues, invite distant relation Flakey to celery dip party, have celery dip party, wait for the sequel."

"Well, that sucks!" Harry whined.

"Well, at least you're not waiting as long as JK makes you," the author argued.

"Fine," Harry grumbled.

Suddenly, a girl with silky blonde hair that sported silvery barrettes stomped into the room.

"Is it, like, Tuesday?" she demanded.

"No," everyone said in unison.

"Oh," she said, "Okay."

Then she left.

And then everyone waited for the sequel.

THE END of CHAPTER THIRTEEN


End file.
